UP.

Settle down guys. Although things have been improving substantially, life as I know it is not at the point I would like it to be. I'm not sure why I have such high expectations for myself.. 

I'm in shallow water, my feet just touch the bottom so I am at a comfortable level. 

Being comfortable isn't a state I should get stuck in. I keep telling myself this, every time I get all cozy in my situation.. work, school, love, sex.. shit hits the fan, to say the least. 

My internship is really busy, sadly not with my aid. Too busy to call, e-mail.. it is frustrating. However, at the college I have been working the CSI (Conestoga Students Inc.) events, and made friends with the event co-ordinator. She offered me a job, 10 hours a week - perfect for me. Then that was scratched because her positions got declined, so she referred me to another job, which was filled by the time I applied. But, I am doing some volunteer work for CSI for my resume which will hopefully get my networking in and once another job opens up I will be able to apply. 

Despite all of that work, Conestoga is a better place this year. A ridiculous increase in students makes it a little harder to walk around, but the sexy boys that are prowling around the halls always brings a smile to my face (especially the ones in uniform ... *melts). Oh! I'm writing for the college newspaper, Spoke! Everything should be online soon, and I will link you there to read more of my work. 

Well, that was work and school. Love and sex. Lets leave that for another post, shall we? Too complicated. My outlook now is pretty chill, whatever happens happens. Right now is the best part of life, I should probably try to enjoy it rather than focus on past mistakes. 

"I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

- I'll love you always, because your my family. 

PEACE

sjf.

What I've become.

Somewhat pessimistic. 

Warning..

I'm young and I feel like I've already seen what the world has to offer me. I speak as if things will never get better, but I know they will. But in the end, really.. what changes? I have a lot of worthless questions with no answers. 

No one can exactly say because new experiences cause new outlooks on life but it is really just one large cycle, from relationship to relationship.. job to job.. family to family. It is frustrating. I don't know where I want to go because you can't truly trust anyone. Everyone has the capability to lie, and of course your going to believe what you want to hear even when the truth is staring you dead in the face. 

I am sick. Disgusted... annoyed. Why be happy when it ends in the same disappointment? Well. It's great at the time. It's an experience. You learn. Screw those answers. It's going to take Mister Perfect, or some kind of intense sign for me to get into anything that could possibly end in anguish. Actually, I say that and I know that within the week, I will probably do something that will end in any of those previously stated emotions. 

But I give up on trying to save myself from those things. Good people are hard to find. I miss having people in my life that already gained trust. They all seemed to spiral down into shitty people. 

I hope one day they realize that.. and that I find someone with the same outlook that isn't lying.. that I won't fool myself into thinking that they are telling the truth because thats what I want to hear. HOPE. 

a pessimistic lady,

SJF