UP.

Settle down guys. Although things have been improving substantially, life as I know it is not at the point I would like it to be. I'm not sure why I have such high expectations for myself.. 

I'm in shallow water, my feet just touch the bottom so I am at a comfortable level. 

Being comfortable isn't a state I should get stuck in. I keep telling myself this, every time I get all cozy in my situation.. work, school, love, sex.. shit hits the fan, to say the least. 

My internship is really busy, sadly not with my aid. Too busy to call, e-mail.. it is frustrating. However, at the college I have been working the CSI (Conestoga Students Inc.) events, and made friends with the event co-ordinator. She offered me a job, 10 hours a week - perfect for me. Then that was scratched because her positions got declined, so she referred me to another job, which was filled by the time I applied. But, I am doing some volunteer work for CSI for my resume which will hopefully get my networking in and once another job opens up I will be able to apply. 

Despite all of that work, Conestoga is a better place this year. A ridiculous increase in students makes it a little harder to walk around, but the sexy boys that are prowling around the halls always brings a smile to my face (especially the ones in uniform ... *melts). Oh! I'm writing for the college newspaper, Spoke! Everything should be online soon, and I will link you there to read more of my work. 

Well, that was work and school. Love and sex. Lets leave that for another post, shall we? Too complicated. My outlook now is pretty chill, whatever happens happens. Right now is the best part of life, I should probably try to enjoy it rather than focus on past mistakes. 

"I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

- I'll love you always, because your my family. 

PEACE

sjf.

What I've become.

Somewhat pessimistic. 

Warning..

I'm young and I feel like I've already seen what the world has to offer me. I speak as if things will never get better, but I know they will. But in the end, really.. what changes? I have a lot of worthless questions with no answers. 

No one can exactly say because new experiences cause new outlooks on life but it is really just one large cycle, from relationship to relationship.. job to job.. family to family. It is frustrating. I don't know where I want to go because you can't truly trust anyone. Everyone has the capability to lie, and of course your going to believe what you want to hear even when the truth is staring you dead in the face. 

I am sick. Disgusted... annoyed. Why be happy when it ends in the same disappointment? Well. It's great at the time. It's an experience. You learn. Screw those answers. It's going to take Mister Perfect, or some kind of intense sign for me to get into anything that could possibly end in anguish. Actually, I say that and I know that within the week, I will probably do something that will end in any of those previously stated emotions. 

But I give up on trying to save myself from those things. Good people are hard to find. I miss having people in my life that already gained trust. They all seemed to spiral down into shitty people. 

I hope one day they realize that.. and that I find someone with the same outlook that isn't lying.. that I won't fool myself into thinking that they are telling the truth because thats what I want to hear. HOPE. 

a pessimistic lady,

SJF

Gone.

It's been a while. I guess I've lost a lot of creativity since things have kind of fallen apart. 

I'm ready to pick up the pieces. I'll start later tonight, have to be a McSlave.

from your classy lady,

SJF

Fail.

Well guys.. nothing is really working out how I planned. It would be nice just once if it would but I guess I need to look elsewhere for happiness! Let me tell you what has been going on.

Jesse and I had a long talk about Kitchener and the possibility of him coming to live here. We both decided it would be pointless, because I don't know where I will be after next year when I graduate. I am still hoping, if I end up staying here for the summer, he will consider moving in and working up here. Just because I am unsure of how busy I will be with work, and I won't really have the money, or opportunity to come down to see him. But right now, this is the least of my worries.

Now here comes the stuff that kills me a little. But I am going to deal, and find another place.

I found the perfect internship in KW and thought it seemed pretty attainable, but it is not looking that way now. 

It is frustrating. I mean, if I can't find a internship now, how am I going to find a job? To get experience? To pay off my OSAP? 

But for now, I may try e-mailing this magazine publication once more before summer.. but if that doesn't work out I may look into Echo in Cambridge KW area, or Grand Magazine in Kitchener. We will see. I just don't have more than 2-3 more months to figure it out, and the only reason I was really looking to stay in Kitchener was that ideal internship. 

So, hopefully something comes up. I am trying not to get too down on it all. 

On the upside, my friend Alissa graduates at the same time as me, she is in Windsor for Journalism and New Media Convergence. We have been talking about opening our own publication, unsure of where it will be right now. But, that is my dream.. and to attain it at this age? Would be great, just I am worried about paying back what I owe from school and actually having money to my name. I mean, creating your own magazine publication isn't cheap - I'd assume.

Anyway, I am done with my rant. I should be spending my time more productively looking for an internship, a job and some nice people to be friends with. 

OUT

sjf.

Take it up

It's been a while.

I am back in KW. Between having to get my OSAP, my new bus pass.. and getting back into routine of class. I am somewhat overwhelmed. I should not be but, I have been lucid-dreaming. It's killer. >.<

I am having a few people over this weekend to enjoy a few drinks, and I guess more to socialize with my class. I don't spend much time getting to know them so this is the opportunity. 

I have realized that reading is an expensive habit. I read the Twilight series VIA PDF files. So I saved about 40 dollars there. I bought two new books. The Killing Cycle and Submarine. I would write the details but the books are on the ground and I have monstrous cramps not allowing me to bend that way.

So I will try and blog again soon. I am almost done Submarine. I will let you all know how that goes. :)

Peace ladies and boys.

SJF

RIP bella and edward :(

Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn

I would like to say one thing.

I feel completely empty.

I finished the last book in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. 

Props to her for making me miserable when not hearing about Bella and Edward.

I am considering reading them all over again, I read them all in about a week, a little less. And the movie doesn't do it for me because it misses so much information.

Honestly guys, if you liked the movie you will love the book, which will in turn make you love the movie even more because you will understand the intensity of Edward and Bella's love.

Sigh.

I miss you guys.

SJF

Music - what it do

Don't you find it weird that you can listen to one familiar song, one song, like looking at a picture of you and an old friend. A million things rush through your head, different moments - memories. But just one feeling in the pit of your stomach like someone reached right through your skin and played with it like a stress ball. 

The intensity of this feeling is what gets me. Why? Was the time of your life so prominent that it had to be conveyed in the type of music, the specific song that you loved at the time? Seriously, why a song? You would think it would be a word, I could say fuck, shit, love, lost, hurt, fall, drink, eat, sad, mad.. but no emotion is attached to those words. What is music that makes your feelings spark up? You would think that I would have an answer for you. But I have nothing but a question. Why? Why is the brian so powerful, or maybe lack power in a way. Shouldn't millions of things pop in your head after every word? That sentence as I wrote it was completely meaningless. However I could write out lyrics after lyrics that I could scream at the top of my lung, tap my foot to, and know exactly when the guitar.. the piano.. and then more importantly when my emotions kick in. 

I am mad because I listened to a song that I love, and it is just attached to such a crappy time in my life that I want to avoid it like the plague. It just made me realize how I could go through every song on my play list and attach a month to it. Proof?

The Spill Canvas - Self Conclusion - January 2008

Metric - Grow Up and Blow Away - February 2008

Less Than Jake - The Brightest Bulb Has Burnt Out - March 2008

Ingrid Michaelson - Masochist - April 2008

From Autumn To Ashes - Short Stories With Tragic Endings - May 2008

Devilfish - Devilfish - June 2008

Sublime - Boss DJ - July 2008

Remy Zero - Fair - August 2008

Regina Spektor - Consequence of Sounds - September 2008

Ben Folds Feat. Regina Spektor - You Don't Know Me - October 2008

T.I - Whatever You Like - November 2008 (Don't judge me)

AMEN.

None of them particularly effect me lyrics-wise. Just brings me back to either the shitty, or good times of that month. 

So September just fucked me when listening to music. Thought I would let you know.

SJF.